


A Yeasty Innuendo

by MoonStarDutchess



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Complete, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 19:05:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/642031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonStarDutchess/pseuds/MoonStarDutchess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Belle has a funny incident at the local diner regarding pastries and nuns. Continuation to A Toasty Incident by Rinoax. </p><p>Ninth in the Missing Moments Collection.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Yeasty Innuendo

**Author's Note:**

> Part of the Missing Moments and Quotidian Things Series if you haven’t read the previous number 7 called A Toasty Incident by Rinoax then you might not get some of the humor behind this fic.

She'd woken up that day with the intention of exploring Storybrooke a bit more, but first she wanted to have a nice homemade breakfast with Rumplestiltskin. The latter plan was a disaster since she'd destroyed Rumple's toaster. Though he'd insisted it wasn’t broken, just battered, she was sure he only said that so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings.

            Before he woke to see his abused toaster, she'd already begun to make homemade bread. That was interrupted by extremely pleasant activities until her father showed up at the door.

            His surprise visit resulted in an hour full of awkwardness and tension. But a resolution to a problem only her father saw, had been reached. They also decided to try to work on their relationship, and he accepted her right to choose to stay with and love Rumplestiltskin. Even though he didn't like it, he recognized one couldn't stop true love and that she wasn't enchanted in any way.

            When he left, she and Rumple ended up resuming more pleasant activities, the presents left from the Storybrooke citizens coming to good use. They wouldn’t have to buy condoms and other things for a few months, if not a year. Handy for "baking bread," as Rumple put it.

             But of course, her luck couldn’t stay positive. Rumple got an urgent call from one of the tenants of a building he owned. A fire had broken out from faulty wiring in . . . a toaster.  He had to go sign papers so the fire department could put the fire on some sort of record thing.

            She’d once read in a book that the love of money was the root of all evil; she was convinced that the making of bread in toasters was the real bane upon humanity’s existence. The true evil. The real Dark One.  

            Now, she was heading for the diner. Rumple said he’d meet her there and they could have breakfast. She’d made semi-friends with Ruby and Granny so maybe she could ask them if they would teach her about the monster that makes the toast. It would save Rumple the trouble and time of teaching her. He was already so busy showing her how everything else worked.

            The ringing of the tiny bell at the top of the diner’s door signaled her arrival. As soon as the people in the diner saw who she was, they looked away. Being the Dark One's lover wasn't exactly screaming for them to be friendly and come talk to her. She didn't mind. Rumple was working on becoming nicer. . . Okay, perhaps nicer wasn't the exact word to describe his changing. He was working on becoming less Dark One and more . . . not Dark One. They didn't like his Mister Gold persona, and he insisted on not going back to his everyday spinner self. He was putting more effort into being less scary.

            She sat down at the counter to wait for Rumple. She looked down at the menu and read over the list. She already knew what she wanted and Ruby and Granny probably had her order memorized, but she wasn’t ready to look up and catch people’s eyes on her only to have to rush to look at anything but her.

            Belle stiffened when she heard the bell ring again and regretted sitting with her back facing the door. She doubted anyone would try to grab her in public, but the insecurity of being alone was still present. She took a deep breath to keep her calm. She needed to get used to people coming up behind her, and wanted to go out without getting nervous. Independence was important and she didn’t want to depend on Rumple for every little thing she needed to do. She wanted to take the burden of life off him and become useful.

            She looked to her right to see who came up to stand beside her, and resisted an urge to crinkle her nose upon seeing the Blue Fairy. Rumple had called her a Bruised Mushroom-shaped wench when they were out walking. She normally wouldn't form her judgment based on what Rum called someone, but the fairy had been negatively vocal around town about her relationship with him.

            Rumple admitted he had an aversion to fairies and in general found it to be true with every one except a blond named Tinker Bell. She'd won his favor by belting the Blue Fairy in the mouth a few hundred years prior to the curse.

            “Ah,” Granny said when she spotted Blue Fairy/Mother Superior/ Bruised Mushroom-shaped wench. “We got your letter and would be happy to allow the nuns to bake in our kitchen.”

            Belle’s memory flashed back to earlier in the morning and her mind went to, what Rumple called, “the gutter”.  She tried not to laugh at the thoughts of the nuns in the kitchen doing that with . . . monks. Did they have monks in Storybrooke? Did monks and nuns even belong to the same religion?

            “Thank you. Our kitchens leave much to be desired. We don’t have a mixer or room to knead dough or bake bread.”

    _Okay Belle, stop laughing inside your head or you’ll end up embarrassing yourself on the outside._

             “What are you planning on making? I’m surprised you’re still continuing the bake sale."

             “It’s called Minni di Virgini or . . . something. The prince said we should live like we have before until we get back home, so the bake sale is still on.” Belle saw the look the fairy shot her from the corner of her eye. “It’s to help pay the rent on the convent and have enough for other necessities. It’s a pity that our rent is controlled by Rumplestiltskin.”

             For a fairy that was supposed to be all sparkly and good, this one was a bitch. Belle withheld her temper like a good girl, but wished that Tinker Bell were here again to sucker punch her. “It’s a pity you can’t budget your money better,” Belle found herself saying.

            The fairy glared at her but said nothing, probably fearing the fate that would befall her if she did anything. Belle wouldn’t let Rumple hurt the woman, but she didn’t know that.  She took out the phone Rum insisting on getting her and slowly typed in the name of the item the nun was going to bake. 

            “Minni di Virgini. St. Agatha’s Breasts,” Belle read the title aloud.

            “I don’t need to hear such ridiculousness,” Mother Superior said and continued her conversation with Granny.

            She read more of the small site on the phone, her eyes growing wide the further down the page she went _.  These cakes are made to honor Saint Agatha. She was a Christian girl in a pagan world. She was tortured by having her breasts torn off with_ —she cringed - _pinchers. When that didn’t kill her, they cooked her over hot coals_.  She couldn’t think of anyone warped enough to cook a breast-less woman over coals. Well, maybe that witch who lived in the gingerbread house: if that story about cooking children were true.

            But that didn’t matter. The best part in all this was that the nuns were going to use the diner kitchen to make breasts. She bit the inside of her lip.  The nuns were making breasts! She started giggling.  Since when did baked goods become so perverted?

            _Since you made out on a flour table and Rumple coined lovemaking as baking bread._

            The nun looked at her, scoffed, and turned back to granny. “Thank you for the use of your kitchen. Some people around here know true kindness,” she said as if Belle was some sort of evil monster. “We’ll be here tonight to make our breas— Minni’s!”

            Belle guffawed when the woman left. Ruby, who had been watching the entire thing from a table in the corner, walked over to Belle. “I would say angering the Blue Fairy is a bad idea but considering your protector, I won’t,” Ruby said and sat down beside her. “The bake sale is for a good cause, saint boobs or no. It goes toward the homeless shelter as well.”

            Belle nodded, still trying to rid herself of the mental pictures of a group of nuns making boob cookies. “Perhaps I’ll bake... okay maybe not.”   She’d never be able to say she was going to bake bread with a straight face ever again. "Are you going to bake anything?”

            “Not sure. Snow--Mary, said she’s going to beat up some brownies.”

            “Brownies? Why would she do that?” Belle said, alarmed at first but then realized that it was some sort of dessert rather than a group of small girls in uniforms. She’d gotten Rumpel to buy cookies off them once because they were so cute.

            “It’s a dessert with chocolate, chewy like cake,” Ruby explained.

            Belle looked at her sideways. “Right.  That’s what I figured.”

            “As for me, I think Archie wants me to come over to his place,” she said then her eyes widened when she realized what she let out.

Belle turned around on her stool and grabbed her hands. “You’re finally together!”

            “No no, it’s just... He wants me to come over and kneed his dou— I mean make bread.”

            Belle couldn’t take it anymore. She stood from her bench, unable to stop laughing. “You're getting kneaded and the nuns are going to be making bo—boobs in the kitchen. I . . . I. . . ” She took a deep breath and backed toward the door. “I’m going to just go shopping for breakfast and try again with that toaster. Bye Ruby.” 

 

-/-/-

 

            She was halfway down the path from the diner when she bumped into someone. When she looked up and saw Rumple, she lost what little composure she managed to rally, buried her face against his chest, and laughed.

             His free hand flew to rest on her shoulder and he pulled her back and stared at her, his expression full of concern.

            “Belle, you’re red. Do you have a fever?”

            Belle shook her head. “No, no.” She giggled at the thought of what happened at the diner.  “I’ll tell you after we go to the market and head home. I'm going to try to make breakfast again.”

            Rum nodded and his face held a bewildered expression. "I'll help you with it."

Since she didn’t tell him right away, Rumple ended up being extremely confused when he heard two of the town gossips in the checkout line talking about Ruby kneading Archie later that night and nuns playing with their boobs in the diner’s kitchen.

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Nun boobs are real cookies that my Spanish friend Rinoax/Rinoaebastel showed me. The pastries mentioned in this fic and the story regarding them is true as well.


End file.
